Category Archives: Comedy

How Not to Comment on Blog and Facebook Posts

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Consider, brethren and sistern, the following scenario:

  • Agnes: Hey, y’all, I’m looking for a great potato salad recipe. Anybody have a favorite they’d like to share?
  • Bertha: Here’s my favorite tuna salad recipe!
  • Cora: I don’t like potato salad.
  • Dorcas: You should make mashed potatoes instead.
  • Ethel: My cousin’s neighbor’s dog’s former owner’s barber is allergic to potatoes!
  • Frances: Potatoes are so bad for you!!!
  • Gertie: LOL, Cora! I don’t like potato salad, either!
  • Harriet: me to. its gross.
  • Ingrid: One time I got food poisoning from potato salad.
  • Judith: One time I got it from chicken.
  • Kay: One time I got it at a Chinese restaurant.
  • Leticia: i love Chinese food!!!
  • Myrtle:  me to! its great!!!
  • Norma: Yuck. I hate raw fish.
  • Opal: That’s Japanese, stupid.
  • Petunia: Your so mean, Opal!
  • Quinn: Have you looked on Pinterest?
  • Rosamund: Just Google for recipes.
  • Stella: Here’s a link to 273 versions: amillionrecipes.com/potatosalad
  • Thelma: My aunt used to make great potato salad, but she died and never told anybody the recipe.
  • Ursula: Remember when Dan Quail couldn’t spell potato? lol!!!
  • Velma: Ha! You misspelled Quayle!
  • Wilma: Your so mean, Velma!
  • Xenia: You say potayto, I say potahto.
  • Yolanda: I love Fred Astaire!!!
  • Zelma: First, boil 12 medium red potatoes….

Haven’t got anything to say that’s relevant to the question? Then please suppress the urge to spout off just to hear yourself spout off. St. James said it best: “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the keyboard” (James 3:7-8a, NRSV*). Why announce to the world that you are self-centered or have the reading comprehension skills of a wombat?

Now…that said, I expect, nay demand, that the comments on this post be filled with all manner of tangential fatuity for the general hilarity of all. Get to it!

_________________

*NRSV=Not Really Serious Version

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PHTH!

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The blessings of having  a mouthful of aphthous ulcers (a.k.a. canker sores):

  • They make me look younger. Evidently the virus that ‘s causing them is typically active in preschoolers, not 44-year-olds.
  • Gotta love any diagnosis that necessitates prescriptions of a) honey and b) “magic mouthwash.”
  • It’s an amazing opportunity to learn valuable life lessons such as No matter how much you love Lindt’s dark chocolate with chili peppers, it’s a really, really stupid thing to eat when you have mouth sores.
  • Getting to write about JePHTHah’s daughter (which I was yesterday) while having aPHTHous ulcers is just priceless. I think I’ll have to hit the oPHTHalmologist’s office tomorrow for the triPHTHecta. (But I’m grateful that nothing necessitates a visit to a PHTHisiotherapist. Yes that’s a real word.)

Save the Joke, Toss the Card

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I am brutally, heartlessly, viciously working my way through a box of old greeting cards, letters, invitations, church directories, children’s artwork, and other such flotsam and jetsam of the past. Very little is making it through the narrow gate to the celestial “keep” folder while the rest is getting cast into the pit. Here’s a joke from one that will be going to its doom as soon as I copy it out for you:

[Outside of card] Illustration of a guy who could have been an extra in Monty Python the the Holy Grail holding up something slimy. “In the Middle Ages, doctors commonly used leeches to suck the blood out of their patients.”

[Inside of card] “Now they prefer to have a separate billing department.”